A Good Best Man Speech
I wrote this best man speech for my buddy’s recent nuptials. A couple of people asked me for a copy. I’m not going to lie to you — it’s good. Feel free to use the advice, or steal this as a template if you need to give a best man speech but can’t write a good one.
The Groom (right) and the best man (left)
Ahem.
Finding the person that wants to be around you, that loves you, that is your person is incredibly rare, and special.
But I’ve seen how Tamara and Joel interact. They are so loving and and kind to each other.
They have the thing.
But that thing is precious and vulnerable and requires some real work to make sure you can hold onto it, as long as possible.
So instead of simply reminding you, Joel, that love is patient and love is kind, I’m going to give you some very actionable advice that will surely make your marriage stronger, and will allow that thing you have to grow and flourish.
Take notes.
Seriously, here is some paper and a pen. I’m a no-excuses type of educator, and I don’t want you telling me later you couldn’t remember what I said.
Ok. Ready?
1. Always go home. Simple enough. There nothing in the streets but pain and suffering.
2. When you’re at home, be at home. Close that laptop. Stop answering those emails. Leave your work at work. You are at home. Really be there.
3. Make enough money to afford your wife the life she wants.
Look out at the room and pay attention.
“All the men, who are happily married, raise your hands.”
Ok.
4. See the men who put their hands up fast and kept them there? These are the ONLY men you should talk to about being married. Never take love advice from men who sleep alone. Their words will leave you miserable and on your own. Bars.
5. In the notes app on your phone, keep a list of all the restaurants y’all go to with a list of your wife’s order. If she doesn’t like pickles, don’t get her pickles. There is no excuse. We have the technology so you don’t have to rely on your memory.
6. Order her birthday and Christmas gifts at least two weeks early. And actually get her the thing she wants, not the version on sale or clearance. And if you’re not sure what she wants for her birthday or Christmas, ask those lovely women in the matching burnt orange dresses. They know. And they will tell you.
7. You don’t have to bring your A game every time. But at least once a quarter, you gotta knock them ankles loose, baby! Talk to [name redacted]. He works for [a large pharmaceutical company]. He might be able to get you samples if you need some assistance in that area. Don’t be ashamed. There are no excuses.
8. Finally, I use this simple rule. It might be the most important thing I’ve said tonight. I think it’s what’s helped me build an awesome 12-year marriage that’s better today than we we started. Here goes… If she on it, we on it. If she loves Real Housewives of Potomac, WE love Real Housewives of Potomac. If she wants to wear Halloween costumes and host. a haunted house, WE want to wear Halloween costumes and host a haunted house. And if she hates her boss…WE hate her boss.
I’m glad you took notes.
That’s all the game you need. You go out there, and you love that lady. And you protect that special, precious thing. It’s worth it.
I love you both.
Cheers.